Long time no write

It has almost been 3 years since I made a post on this blog.
Very quickly in 2015 this blog became very insignificant to me.
Why?
I became a foster parent to a 5 year old brother and a 2 year old sister. I had trained, I had a counseling education, I had two older children, I had this.
Nope.
I had no idea how much patience, love, sacrifice and trust in God this journey would take.
This was a whole new world of earning trust, loving unconditionally and taking it one day at a time.
God took me on a wild journey and added to our family.
We adopted our son and daughter in April of 2017. We are a family of six.
Now almost 3 years later we feel like a family. This is the way I always imagined it could be but it took a long road to get here. There are life long aspects of this that I had never really considered. It's a price you pay for love; a price we freely pay.

But there were other things going on in my life as well.
In January of 2016 I discovered I had an autoimmune thyroid condition. 
In August 2016 our house flooded in a no flood zone and we had no flood insurance. 
In April 2017 my beautiful nephew passed away at age 2 from a viral infection very unexpectedly.
In September 2017 My father who already struggles with Parkinson's got a cancer diagnosis. 

This blog was so far from my mind, it was drifting in outer space.

I return now a person who has asked life some tough questions. Who has looked to God with wonder and fear. 
I would recommend the following books to anyone who is struggling with how to face life that doesn't match up to the TV/Movie constructed American dream deal that most of us think we signed up for:

Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis
Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors
Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie
Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler

I guess I am checking in to say life is beautiful, God is trustworthy and there is HOPE. 

True story

This is a story about God.

A few years ago my husband and I were members of a little country church. In this church was a sweet couple who obviously loved each other very much and who worked very hard in that church.
The sweet woman in this couple shared with me that she as struggling in her job and very badly wanted to be able to stay at home with their child.
My husband and I were already very concerned for this couple.
You see, they weren't married.
Why does that matter?
Because I knew God deeply loved this couple and that he had brought them together. I knew that both of them had come to the understanding that they needed Jesus and his death and resurrection for salvation.
I knew that God wanted to give them great blessing, but that sin had put up a huge road block to those blessings.
Was I better as a married woman? Nope.
Have I put up huge road blocks to blessings in my life because of sin? Yep.

My husband and I knew from past experience that we had created road blocks to blessings in our lives by allowing sin in our home.
God cannot bless sin.

He is gentle to us in our sin.
Psalm 103:8-10New International Version (NIV)

⁸ The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.

But:

In Hebrews 12 we are told:
⁴ In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

 

He wasn't waiting with His hammer of justice to smash this beautiful family. He was gently slowly working to bring truth to them.

He had done it for me with my uncontrollable temper, dvd burning thievery, pride, etc...

 

My husband and I prayed for a long time for the opportunity to help them. Finally my husband had a chance to lead the father in a one on one bible study. After several weeks and building fellowship with them, he asked to speak with them both privately.

He basically told them that we deeply loved them and wanted to help them to achieve the godly goals they had for their family. He discussed all I wrote about above.

The mother said she would have been very angry if it had come from anyone else but she understood he was doing this out of love. They both agreed to think about it.

 

Not to long after they separated for a short time and were married.

Not to long after that he was given a job opportunity that allowed her to be a stay at home mother as she had wished.

Not a coincidence.
 

Any couple who are Christians (people who accept that Jesus died to make them whole and has the right and ability to guide their lives) and who live together/have intimate relations outside of marriage are short changing themselves in a big way.

 

Maybe for you things are "perfect", but I submit that your perfect is only the tip of a huge blessing iceberg that obedience will unlock for you. Good enough should not be good enough, life is too short for that.

 

You only have to read John 4 (Samaritan woman at the well) or John 8 (adulterous woman) to realize it is never about condemnation with Jesus. NEVER

He even offered a Pharisee (religious leaders whom he was pretty harsh with) the truth about how to be free in Him in(John 3) as he did with the adulterous woman (whom he was tender and gentle with).

It's never about some people being better than others, because that's not possible.

It's about how much Jesus gets of you.

The more He gets of you the better off you are. The more areas of your life that you lay on the table and say "Okay God where do you lead on this?" or "Okay God I acknowledge that you deserve to lead in this" the more amazing life becomes.

Easy, no.

Blessed, joyful, victorious, (and this list goes on in an eternal way), Yes!!!

The unlikely story of how I became a runner

Just a little disclaimer from the start when I say "runner", I ask you to never ever picture, oh say the Olympics and a person pumping their legs in a fast piston fashion flying past other runners.
I can, in fact run like that but only for the very tiniest periods of time.

When I say I am a runner I mean I jog along for miles at a time.
That sentence alone makes me chuckle at it's improbability.
I have never been an athlete. I muddled through PE. I had tons of heart but zero coordination.
I am NOT a competitive person. I am awkward.

I had since getting married in 1996 at different points in my life done workout videos, used treadmills to walk, swam and had an exercise bike. I am active, I love to garden and be outside but I mainly exercised to maintain a certain pants size. My burst of exercise never stuck. I got sick of the video, I got busy and my heart just wasn't in it anymore.

I have mild asthma that flares up during exercise or allergies. I heard that running could increase your lung capacity and strengthen your heart. I had two friends who were committed runners (at the marathon level) and it sparked my interest.

So in August of 2013 at the age of 37, I decided that while my daughter was in Ballet class near the local university I would start walking the 4 mile trip of twice around campus. Why waste a perfectly good chance to have exercise time?
My goal was to add in a jog at some part of this trip. I was not very confident of success so I just did it alone. If nobody knows you failed, in my mind it seemed less painful.
My mom who worked on campus at the time walked with me from time to time but for the most part I went alone. I found that I really enjoyed myself. I loved being outside.

The first time I jogged a short leg of the rectangle shape of campus my throat, lungs and legs were on fire. FIRE! 
But each week, twice a week I jogged those short stretches until I could make all four. Then I switched and jogged the long stretches and walked the short.

I was a totally newbie to running. I used 5 year old sneakers, I took a week off and tried to go back to the same jog and got a stress fracture in my foot. So by December 2013 I was back to walking the four miles. From December to March I walked inside the Student Athletic center with short jogs added in each time. By March 2014 I could very slowly (13 something minute mile) jog the whole four miles around campus.

I felt like I had won the lottery. My breathing was so much better. I had learned to get proper running shoes and clothes. I knew how to avoid blisters, black toenails, and muscle strains. I had figured out how to stretch for my body before and after each jog. 
Don't get me wrong every time I tried to increase my speed I saw stars, got tunnel vision and felt like I had to throw up, so I still do have asthma.
But by October 2014 I could jog 6 miles at an average pace of 10.45 minute miles.

November to December 2014 I had survived a major pull in my hip and kept at it. I ran my first official race on December 12th 2014. It was a 5K and I finished in 29.42 minutes, slightly behind my friend's two 12 year old twin boys. Hey, those kids rock.

I had a quarter marathon scheduled on January 17th and two weeks before I got hit by a rough allergy attack, my times dropped and I felt pretty bummed but by this point I just enjoyed making my body do the twice a week 4 mile runs. I still have to push each mile and I hate having to increase speed. Increased speed makes me feel like my digestive tract is melting down and brain will explode.

Today I ran in the Louisiana quarter marathon- 6.5 miles. Small by seasoned runner standards but it's the longest run I have ever done. I finished around 1 hour and 11 minutes (update- got the official results: time:1:10:40 pace:10:48). That was better time than any practice run I had done. I was so surprised. 

I felt good for most of the run and so happy to celebrate at the end with my family. My husband said I looked like I was having so much fun, he wanted to run it with me next year. Funny, considering my face during the race looks like a cross between extreme pain or nausea. Hey, I don't concentrate prettily.

And I just realized I have been doing this for 17 months and I don't want to quit. I actually Googled how to train for a half marathon. Yikes!

Needy- in the 1st world sense of the word

1 Thessalonians 4:11 Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before. 12 Then people who are not believers will respect the way you live, and you will not need to depend on others.

I have really been thinking about this scripture this week. These are directions from a Christian shepherd. This was written down and passed to the early churches. Through years of trial and persecution this letter makes it into the first copy of the Christian Bible. Then it goes on to travel the centuries and the world.

It's no accident. 
God wished for us to hear these words. 

Now I must apply it to myself.

We live in a culture filled with needy people. No so much poverty stricken here in the US but needy for love, attention, validation, encouragement, etc....I often find myself as one of them.

When we come across someone who is not needy, it is quite a surprise. 
The person who seems to be anchored against the emotional hurricane that is our culture. How do they do it?

They know that Christ is all we need. They understand that for every need, of every kind, He is the answer. 

If you aren't a child of God this makes no sense, and even if you are you may still feel this is too simple a way to look at the world.

But do not discount this ROCK, this Eternal Foundation. 

I heard a song this week that said "What if all you understand could fit into the center of a hand? Then you found it wasn't you, who held the sum of everything you knew "

All the understanding I have, tiny as it may be, did not even come to me by my own strength. 

So when any thought pops up that indicates Christ and His word aren't enough, I must put it to this verse:

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

and to this:

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

and to this:
Isaiah 66:2
“These are the ones I look on with favor:
    those who are humble and contrite in spirit,
    and who tremble at my word.

What is that to you?

John 
21So Peter seeing him said to Jesus, "Lord, and what about this man?" 22Jesus said to him, "If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!" 23Therefore this saying went out among the brethren that that disciple would not die; yet Jesus did not say to him that he would not die, but only, "If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you?"…

The old comparison game. 
It really started with the first mind that existed outside of God. Satan saying- "Hey, I want this divine being gig. Yeah what you got, that's for me". 
It almost seems like a law of nature, like magnetism, that we must look around us and questions why others do not have to walk the same road we do or seem to walk  a better one. 
That's what Peter is doing. 
He was just told he will have to walk a very hard road, leading ultimately to his death. 
The biggest downer prophetic speech in centuries and his first thought is "yeah but what about that guy, he's gonna have to die too right?"

I think this brings out two very good points:

1.) Real prophets speak hard things. Would Peter know spiritual abundance, prosperity of the task God asked of him? Yes, and Yes. He would be filled by Christ in wondrous ways but earthy hardship would be his companion as well. 


and 

2.) We have stop looking intently in the lives of others for guidance or comparison. Yes, we can see and be inspired but ultimately we are all made for purposes so specific that only God's got the guidelines. Comparison ultimately places our knowledge on par with God's. There is no meter or scale of balance between me and another person. The scale, balance is between me and Christ and He chose to intentionally tip it in my favor on Calvary. No earthy trial or purpose compares to the work He has done in my favor. Nothing is too much to ask. Do I live this - no. Do I need to- yes. I pray that I would through His strength. 

Hope

Realized this weekend that hope is not just "wishful thinking". The kind of hope a Christian has is knowing something is as good as done. Our pastor put to words something I have been struggling with. 

I knew the key to overcoming sadness or loneliness was hope in Christ but I honestly did not know how wield hope in my life. You can actively use hope to fill the empty places in your heart. 

If my total forgiveness of sins is done, if my power for living free from sin is done, if my place as God's child is a done deal then I can have a heart full of hope for my future. 
If God hears my burdens and knows my needs then I can have a heart full of hope that He is actively working to equip me and fill me. 

To have filling hope like that you have to really trust Him.
I realize now my lack of joy and hope was actually doubt. 
Not doubt that God was God or that He was acting on my behalf but doubt that I could ever find joy in what He had planned. I wondered if sacrificial living and Christlike behavior would ever fill some of my more self centered hurts. I struggled with the idea that somehow He created me with a need that, His plans could not fill. 

Yeah, sometimes just putting something down in print, or admitting your thoughts helps you to see how broken they are. 

Trust restored, Hope renewed. 

Midlife Crisis

I have reached that age where I really wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self a thing or two. 
Does that come with a certain age?

I guess you can probably feel that at 16 about your 14 year old self but there is something about nearing 40 that kicks this into high gear. 
I will be 38 this year and hubs is turning the big 40.

I would have sworn this would never happen to me. It was inconceivable that I would get flaky about getting older. Truth was I had no concept of what "getting old" actually meant. 

At 24 I was 5'8" and 125 lbs. My body could tackle any challenge without injury. I could read anything without glasses. My hair was free of grey strands. Yet, honestly I was wildly insecure and critical of myself. 
Now all I can think is, how dumb could I have been?
I want to shout at myself, "Wake up you fool, enjoy every minute, relish your health, take better care of it and for heaven's sake count your blessings."

Now, I find myself in a slump. Many pounds have crept on the old frame, I have a healing foot injury from my year of jogging and I had the eye doctor tell me at my visit two week ago "Wow, your eyes have gotten much worse for being still under 40". 

Grump, slump and grrr. I want to know I still got it, know what I mean?
I feel frumpy. I look at my pretty little daughter and realize soon she will be a million times prettier woman than I ever was at my best. Even as I write that I know it reveals how horribly vain I am. 

Then it hit me as I visited with a sweet older widow who will be 90 this year. She was describing someone she knew and she said, "She's a girl like you". She then giggled and apologized for calling me a girl, like as if she needed to. 

My thick as concrete brain finally got it- I am the 24 year old still. 
I am blind to what I have. 
To this 90 year old my age was a time of youth, joy and adventure. 
I have young children to watch grow, I have a husband who truly loves me (who still looks at me like I was that 24 year old), I can jog, I can afford reading glasses, I HAVE JESUS- daily teaching me to be present and accounted for in my own life. 

You know it's easy to discount the idea of counting your blessings.
"How naive", "How can I be made happy just because I am not suffering as badly as another person?".

It's not that you have to compare yourself to others, it's that sometimes you have to look around to see where you are.

It's the whole not seeing the forest for the trees idea. 
You can get lost in the ordinary, so much so that you might loose track of the fact that your ordinary has plenty of miracles in it. 

I only hope I live to be 80. I hope I do it with my eyes wide open. I hope I get out of my own head and really live. I pray that. I repent of being wrapped up in foolishness. To quote a famous group of theologians - *The Newsboys ;) - "faithfulness, not easy fixes". Time provides a true test of every heart.
* They also said "Whistles make for better mixes" which is equally true.
Check out the song: Secret Kingdom.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIUHpvSkXOI&feature=kp

Affirmation vs. Compliments

Affirmation vs. Compliments
Maybe you did not know there was a difference.
I didn't think about it until I started reading "Practicing Affirmation" by Sam Crabtree.

This book brought to light how useless being nice can be. 
What?
Yes.
It's nice to say - You are pretty, cute, snazzy, have nice hair or some other surface claim that has nothing to do with a person's character.
That might give the person a little rush for the moment, it will not get them thinking about deeper character issues. Compliments will not stick or they can become an addiction which needs the next hit. 

I was guilty of tossing out compliments everywhere.

God centered affirmations are ones that point out the traits of God in a person. 

God made us in His own image.
Genesis 1:27
That means even the most hardened soul still has some traits of God in them. 

Crabtree points out that by looking for these and pointing them out, you can:
a) lift up that person's spirit
b.) encourage more of that character trait in them
c.) open the door for the gospel
d.) change how you see people around you to a more loving and godly light
e.) be praising God all day long since He gets credit for all these affirmations

So it sounds good but how?
How do you finds traits of God in us everyday people?

Learn the traits of God and look for them.
For example God is:
Gentle, loving, merciful, a good father, a loving teacher, a deep thinker, the inventor of organization, diligent in His work, etc... 
The Bible is full of examples, which means being in the Bible daily gives you a better chance of spotting these things. 

Then when you see one of these traits you simply say something like:
"God really made you a loving teacher".

That's it, that simple. Not something to be afraid of or worried about just something to make a priority. 

The book has so much more to offer than I can discuss here and I highly recommend it. 

The Surprising truth

I am not proud of the fact that I am a pouter, but it's the truth. 
I save this little gem of behavior mainly for my closest loved ones, the people who deserve it the least. 
Why am I a pouter?
I grew up under the instruction of movies, tv, magazines and books that instilled in me the idea that people meet my needs. A man meets my need to feel beautiful and special. Friends meet my needs to feel connected and encouraged. The list goes on and on. 

Obviously this idea that people are going to meet my needs leads to endless disappointment because low and behold the people around me have no idea they have been signed up for this job. 

Over the past few months I have been in some eye opening bible studies that have reminded me only one person actually signed up for the job of meeting my needs: God. 

I have been working on not having the same argument, the same pout sessions but keeping my mouth closed and praying about the needs I feel. 
30 years of wrong behavior has not gone away in a few months. 
Yesterday I was busy pouting about how someone had not met my needs and I resolved to pray about it. As I prayed I realized that the need I really had was to feel special and important to someone. 

So I prayed "God do something to help me feel special and important". 
Even as I prayed it, it dawned on me that He already done enough. 
He created me and all creation, even when He knew all the trouble I would be. He carried His love and millions of people through centuries of struggle and shaky faith. He came down here to the world of struggle and loved us purely.  He gave up everything for us. He rose again and gave us power over our own weakness. He gave us His own spirit to become one with us. He gave us the promise of eternal wholeness. He has babied me every day of my life. 

And much to my awe and amazement as I thought of this list, I could physically feel the pout fall away. I could feel the need being met in those moments. 

Crazy but constant- The truth will set you free. 

I no longer felt the urgent need to show that person how they had fallen down on their job. I no longer felt like a victim. 

I felt and knew I was complete in Him.

I am also ashamed to say it did surprise me for a moment how wonderfully well this kind of thinking works. 
I mean intellectually, I know hundreds of scriptures proclaim it. 
It was shocking how well magazines, movies, books, TV, the Internet, had me so convinced it would not work. 

Elf on the shelf Jesus Style?!?

So the new thing circulating Facebook is to "Jesusify" your elf on the shelf. 

Sigh. 

I try I really do. I don't want to be the Christmas Curmudgeon. I am posting this rant on my blog so that those who choose, can avoid my particular type of crazy. 

I just would prefer that people openly and without shame embrace all their fabricated holiday fun.
By fabricated I mean not real but presented as real to small children as holiday "fun". 
Own it if that's what you choose, why feel that you have to slap the name of the Most High God on it?

Just wondering how you reconcile the "Do not lie" commands in the bible such as Colossians 3:9 :"Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices" with holiday lying to small trusting children about mythical creatures.

For me the unvarnished truth has so much wonder and delight that my children and I need nothing more. 
We have traditions of fun, surprise gifts, charitable work, discussing the historical figure of St. Nicholas, telling the Birth story and countdown or advent calendars. 

But at no time do I lead them to believe something that is fiction is nonfiction. 
I make it clear the difference between fun made up stories and what actually happened or is happening. Fiction can be fun, imagination can be joyful, but not mistaken for real. Why are so many young adults depressed and dissatisfied with life?
Maybe because it can never compare to the lies they hoped were real. 
"Wish or want for something hard enough and you will always get it" - yea, not in this universe. 

Why mix them? Why is it necessary? Has the world lead us to believe that we cannot have as much fun if we do not? Is fun the goal? 
If you ask my kids they say Christmas is their favorite time of the year without any deception. 

You can pose little dolls every night and tell the kids to find what character trait of Christ you trying to act out without ever implying that the doll is alive or magic is involved.

He rules your heart Christian, or He should. Not culture, not fantasy, not peer pressure, not your very very best intentions.

If you are faithful in the small things, He will give you authority in the large things. 

Want a snake?

So I haven't blogged in a while. Truthfully around this time every year I debate about just quitting it all together. I don't really have a gimmick. 
I occasionally have a photo to share but it's not a photo blog.
I have a funny story or two but I'm no comedian. 
I've been through a few things but no marathon of overcoming to tell of. 
But just when I am ready to throw in the towel God shows me a truth or expresses a point to me and I just cannot help myself, I want to type it up. 

It happened this week.
I was just sitting still for a moment and thinking about things. A scripture came to mind.

Matthew 7:9-11

New King James Version (NKJV)

9 Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

I know on the surface the ideas seems simple, almost simple minded. Well, sure doesn't a father give his kid a piece of bread and not a stone? A fish and not a snake.

Please, it's a concept about as deep as a teaspoon, right?

We can trust God, He gives us good stuff not bad, even more than the humans in our lives. 

But as I sat and thought the words kept going deeper in my mind. They became pointed, pricking my heart. 
If I ask God for something and He does not give it to me, based on this verse you have just dodged a snake.

Now, I confess my first reaction to getting denied something I surely thought was good is not "Whew, thank goodness my Dad wasn't healed" or "Wow, I am so glad I got mixed up and showed up an hour late to that interview". Both of which actually happened to me. 
I am thinking "How, how can this be a good answer to a sincere prayer?".

But I am able after a time to think, perhaps what would have eventually come from my prayer would have turned out to be a snake or a stone, no matter how unlikely that may seem.

For the record I think that God says no to prayers that are based on full faith, unhindered belief and from a heart totally in line with Him. No answers do not mean you have failed in some way to do it right. 
Sure you can be totally out of God's will and shoot off a crazy "wish" style prayer that is doomed from the start but that is not always the case. Jesus asked for the cup to pass and it did not. Period the end. 

Can you go there? Can you believe a God intense enough to stretch out into time and space and weave lives in multitudes of complexities? It's a wild walk. It asks you to see yourself in a new light. One that is not as flattering as we might want to be seen in. 
But I have a deep peace with not being the end of the line in thinking and logic. I know me, the deep down me and despite all the wonderful things God has created in me, I find a great peace in submitting to Him. In not feeling the unbearable burden of having to figure it all out but trusting He has. 

I truly wish and desire that you could walk this way with me. Side by side. 

9/20/13

I have been a bit busy. I got a part-time job (20 hours) at my son's middle school as a math Tutor.

I have spent the past two weeks wading through the procedure, software and the paperwork associated with the job but today I had a break through.

Today I think I really taught someone something.
I had two children who really seemed to have a break through in math.
Double digit multiplication and decimal place values.
It was more exciting than I expected.
I felt a rush all day.
I never really understood why people wanted to be teachers until today.

Also another small victory- my printer was networked to our computers.
No lie, this is a big deal, and it made me ridiculously happy.

Diverging now....
Why does a store bought Starbucks Frappe taste so much better than the one I have in my fridge?
I know it's not possible but I suspect my taste buds can detect expense and register it as deliciousness.
I know my eyes can detect expense and register it as good style.
Why else would I instantly gravitate to them most expensive things in a store before I force myself to the sale rack?

Happy Weekend.

The manifesto of a wife and mother

Along with getting married, having children is one of the most eye opening things I have ever done.
What has it opened my eyes to?
Me.
I thought I really knew "me" many moons ago.
I though I was a pretty calm rational gal.
I thought I had a realistic view of the world.

Wrong-o.

I have had to come to terms with things I cannot do but seriously though I could.
I can influence people- my little people and my hubby among many others.
I cannot change a person - not one single one.

I can love people but I cannot do it alone. I need the well of Christ flowing out of me because without Him my well is actually a dust pit. A dusty pit full of my own vast needs only Christ can meet.

I cannot learn things for my kids.
This is one of the hardest ones.
I want to learn optimism for them, I want to learn hard work and self-value that comes from Christ for them.
I cannot.
I cannot download, upgrade, memory add or USB any of this to my kids.

I can influence what they experience but they have to get character and meaning for themselves.
I did not realize how hard a time I would have with, what seems to be a pretty obvious truth.

I will not lie my pre-kid fantasy was that little clones of myself and my husband would emerge into this world full of all the good character traits it took us 20 or more years to learn.
Yes, I think deep down I was that delusional.

What I have learned is that I have a secret weapon, PRAYER.
Prayer for myself that I will let God and not my insecurities guide my parenting.
Prayer that God will work in their little hearts just like He did in mine to guide them to Him.
I will not be lazy in my part of the parenting or being a wife but I will lay my heart bare before God so that He can continue to point out what I need to realize about myself and others in light of Him.

The five hardest letters in the English Language

One of my multiple weird hang ups is my inability to not answer the phone when I am in the shower or tub.
It has taken me years to over come this foolishness.

I would bring the phone and sit it on the side of the tub.

I would fling open the shower door, slopping water everywhere while risking life and limb in a sliding dash for the phone.

Now usually these vital calls were from dear "Rachel at card member services" whom, if destiny complies, I will have a cage match with some day.

This year I learned to say the five hardest letters in the English language: It's OK.

It's ok if I take a deep breath and enjoy my bath as the phone rings.
It's ok if I don't even bring the phone in the bathroom.
I will in fact have time to check the caller ID when I am finished.

Why does it feel like I have spent half of my life giving myself permission to live?

It's ok if people don't understand why I do what I do.
As long as I understand- It's ok.

We are social beings we are meant to relate to other people and to do that we have to care or take note of what they are expressing. I get it.

Some of us are so invested in this that we eventually have to join "I cannot say 'it's ok' anonymous".

You know all of us gathered in our little community center drinking inferior coffee saying "My Name is Kellie and this is my fourth week of saying 'It's okay'.  Yesterday I had thoughts of hustling and bustling over something that was in reality 'ok'."

God has helped me with this by sending people along side me who were determined to have an "It's okay" intervention with me. Confronting me that desperately needing to meet some crazy standard whether internal or external is like seeking a high that is never gonna come.

I mean at least drug addicts get high. Refusing to accept what is yours to handle and what is not, never pans out. There is no pay off.

As I approach 40 I get the message loud and clear- life is too short.

I was talking to a teenager last week who said she was afraid to grow old.
I am afraid of what my life would look like if I never had.
I am pretty sure the teenaged me would have made the worst immortal in the history of ever.  ;)

Have we lost the meaning of it all?

I was wondering how to explain salvation to someone the other day.
I have memorized the verses in Romans that explain salvation but I started wondering how Jesus, Peter, and Paul explained it.
I have yet to find one time where they asked "Do you want to accept Jesus?".
That surprised me.
Every time they just presented the truth of God, Jesus and our sin then let the person decide for themselves. Apparently their presentation was so Holy Spirit filled people started asking them how to be saved from sin.

I have started to realized that once your culture becomes comfortable with words like "Accept Jesus into your heart", they start to lose all meaning.
Here's what occurred to me:

You need to know what you are choosing.
You are agreeing to give up what you currently have (all that you currently have)- the option to make wrong choices all the time, drive your life into the ground with your limited wisdom and to end up eternally separated from a God who loves you and would do literally anything to offer you more.
You are agreeing to give Him all that you are. EVERYTHING.
Nothing is off the table, He gets to have the final say in everything. Now, if you realize how much He loves you (as demonstrated in His choice to die a physical death for you and be separated from all His glory for you) then giving Him this is not a risky move.

The above are the parts are where you realize if you believe in him or not.
If you trust him or not. Whether you think sin is real and you have it in your life or you don't.  

It's an all or nothing deal. All of you just as you are or none of you.

If you can jump off the high dive on this the tell someone.

Tell your family, tell another person who believes this, tell someone who can encourage you and help you in what you have just decided.

Confessing that Jesus is Lord, your lord is a huge deal. If you know what Lord actually means. Don't let Church culture lull you into a false sense of a relationship with God.

False salvation is worse than none at all. It's like having cancer but believing you are cured.
I firmly believe it only takes 5 to 12 truly saved people to turn a town or area into a hot bed of the Gospel. So if that seems to be the case in the bible, why are our churches so quiet and our towns hot beds of the lost?

If you say you are a Christian and you have never talked with your family, children, grandchildren, coworkers or friends about the above things then you don't really have much in common with Jesus, Peter, Paul or any other leader of the New Testament.

My prayer is that God would change me from the inside out so that my mouth would speak of Him constantly. I also ask that He forgives me to neglecting Him and every soul around me.

The Job of Job

The book of Job is a hum-dinger. It would probably the book many atheist point out for their reason not to believe in God while at the same time most Christians may come to see it as one of the most comforting books in the Bible.

I have to admit that when I started reading this book a few months ago at a pretty stressful time in my life I did not have high hopes. In fact the mere circumstance that Job was just the next book in my order of reading depressed me.
I have found that even though I read the Bible straight through over and over, I always find myself reading just what I need for that moment in my life. So naturally I assumed I would be entering a Job style period in my life. I was indeed correct.

Now for those of you who may not be familiar with the book of Job. Job is a great guy. Loved by all, a leader in his community, great father and husband, prosperous and a steady man of faith. Unknown to him Satan taunts God that Job's faith is based on his blessings alone. Basically Satan says "Sure anyone would serve you for all that you have given Job". God, knowing Job, says "Not my Job, my relationship with him is much deeper". So in the course of things God gives Satan permission to take everything from Job.

Now on the surface this ignites a firestorm of indignation from just about any human being. Yet, are the things in life what makes us love and trust God? Are the things in life our god and must never in any way be meddled with? Are they our source of all meaning and faith? Are my children "the deal" I have with God?  My house? My health?

Job is horribly grieved when all is taken from him. All except his wife, who tells him very lovingly to curse God and die.
But his faith in God is never shaken. He is deeply disturbed but remains one who seeks after God. His friends accuse him of sin, rationalizing that all suffering comes directly from sin of the victim. (God later rebukes them for this)
Finally a young whipper snapper who has respectfully let all his elders speak addresses Job.
Elihu.
I can so so so relate to Elihu. He says he is disappointed in his elders that they don't really have much advice or wisdom to offer. He says he is literally about to pop because of the need to state his view of things. (so me)
Be here is where he out paces me, he states all the amazing truths about God. Job chapter 34-37. He asks Job what right have we to question God if we cannot even understand the most basic things that he accomplishes- human life, nature, the universe?

Who among us wants to be told we don't have the right to question something? Especially something that hurts us or is painful to others?
Again firestorm of indignation.
But once the firestorm blows itself out what is more comforting, knowing that an all powerful God who fully loves you has a bigger plan and purpose than your brain can understand or the aching scratching hollow of knowing you are it kiddo, your intelligence is the peak of it all in the universe and feeding your vast hunger is all there is to it?

I chose many years ago which it was for me.
Never regretted it since, not once.
Tomorrow I start to read the part where God himself speaks to Job. Why, if He does not owe Job an explanation does God speak with Job?
Because He is Job's true friend in a sense of the word that we humans will also never understand.
(by the way Job's blessings are doubled or tripled at the end of the journey but here's the kicker- THAT'S NOT THE POINT)

Lord please forgive me for the Audacity of my impatience.
I am so feeble minded that I forgot who I wait upon.
I would be a fool to forget I wait upon the one who formed the Earth and all that exists on it, the universe and all that exists in it and so much more beyond that.
It is good for me to be reminded of who you are.
By reminding me today you have also helped me remember your great love for me.

Matrimony and other endanger species

Please take a minute to watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECGZz5ScfL8

Chis August- Restore

Today my cousin was married.
Tomorrow I will celebrate my 17th wedding Anniversary.

I can say candlelight, roses, whispered words of love, romantic getaways, and all other gestures of love have a definite limit to their power.
I love them the way I love dark chocolate, in limited doses.

What I have found that I want unlimited doses of is a little more Christ in my spouse and I.

When I know I have really messed up, to see undeserved forgiveness in his eyes.
When I want to throw in the towel to hear him say "I will never give up on our love or our life together"

To repent together of stupid choices and feel that God is giving us a fresh start.

To encourage him to take a risk for his faith and see how much joy he gets from it.
To teach our children together about God.

To know he hears me when I am struggling because God gave him the ability to.

Sure I can whip out the fairy tale story- a happy marriage, children, financial security but the only the magical about it is how God can take two totally, completely average people and dwell in them.

It really breaks my heart that Iron man and Pepper never discussed marriage. Crazy, I know but to me marriage is the only way to really say "I love you".

You don't need to test out "I love you", it's a choice. You don't say "let me try to choose and see if I can". You just choose.
If you or someone you are with feels the need to try things out before marriage, what's really being said is "let me see if you can meet my needs".

Trust me, in the long haul this kind of thinking is the hole that sinks the ship. A human being cannot meet your needs, and neither should you ask them too.

Only God can do that.

Can a human being be a life long companion?
I'm banking on it.
Can a human being show you unconditional love?
We've been working at it for 17 years.

Will you suffer for your choice, yes, yes you will.
But if never suffering is your goal, go find a cryogenic freezer and get frozen in it.
Life involves some pain but I want mine to be toward a goal that is worth having.

As the old knight Templar in Indian Jones and the Holy Grail said "Choose wisely".

For me choosing to say "I love you" to someone who gave their heart fully to Christ made all the difference in the world.




The tree where almost 21 years ago, my sweetie gave me my first kiss. Thank you honey, for living up to your promises.