9/20/13

I have been a bit busy. I got a part-time job (20 hours) at my son's middle school as a math Tutor.

I have spent the past two weeks wading through the procedure, software and the paperwork associated with the job but today I had a break through.

Today I think I really taught someone something.
I had two children who really seemed to have a break through in math.
Double digit multiplication and decimal place values.
It was more exciting than I expected.
I felt a rush all day.
I never really understood why people wanted to be teachers until today.

Also another small victory- my printer was networked to our computers.
No lie, this is a big deal, and it made me ridiculously happy.

Diverging now....
Why does a store bought Starbucks Frappe taste so much better than the one I have in my fridge?
I know it's not possible but I suspect my taste buds can detect expense and register it as deliciousness.
I know my eyes can detect expense and register it as good style.
Why else would I instantly gravitate to them most expensive things in a store before I force myself to the sale rack?

Happy Weekend.

The manifesto of a wife and mother

Along with getting married, having children is one of the most eye opening things I have ever done.
What has it opened my eyes to?
Me.
I thought I really knew "me" many moons ago.
I though I was a pretty calm rational gal.
I thought I had a realistic view of the world.

Wrong-o.

I have had to come to terms with things I cannot do but seriously though I could.
I can influence people- my little people and my hubby among many others.
I cannot change a person - not one single one.

I can love people but I cannot do it alone. I need the well of Christ flowing out of me because without Him my well is actually a dust pit. A dusty pit full of my own vast needs only Christ can meet.

I cannot learn things for my kids.
This is one of the hardest ones.
I want to learn optimism for them, I want to learn hard work and self-value that comes from Christ for them.
I cannot.
I cannot download, upgrade, memory add or USB any of this to my kids.

I can influence what they experience but they have to get character and meaning for themselves.
I did not realize how hard a time I would have with, what seems to be a pretty obvious truth.

I will not lie my pre-kid fantasy was that little clones of myself and my husband would emerge into this world full of all the good character traits it took us 20 or more years to learn.
Yes, I think deep down I was that delusional.

What I have learned is that I have a secret weapon, PRAYER.
Prayer for myself that I will let God and not my insecurities guide my parenting.
Prayer that God will work in their little hearts just like He did in mine to guide them to Him.
I will not be lazy in my part of the parenting or being a wife but I will lay my heart bare before God so that He can continue to point out what I need to realize about myself and others in light of Him.

The five hardest letters in the English Language

One of my multiple weird hang ups is my inability to not answer the phone when I am in the shower or tub.
It has taken me years to over come this foolishness.

I would bring the phone and sit it on the side of the tub.

I would fling open the shower door, slopping water everywhere while risking life and limb in a sliding dash for the phone.

Now usually these vital calls were from dear "Rachel at card member services" whom, if destiny complies, I will have a cage match with some day.

This year I learned to say the five hardest letters in the English language: It's OK.

It's ok if I take a deep breath and enjoy my bath as the phone rings.
It's ok if I don't even bring the phone in the bathroom.
I will in fact have time to check the caller ID when I am finished.

Why does it feel like I have spent half of my life giving myself permission to live?

It's ok if people don't understand why I do what I do.
As long as I understand- It's ok.

We are social beings we are meant to relate to other people and to do that we have to care or take note of what they are expressing. I get it.

Some of us are so invested in this that we eventually have to join "I cannot say 'it's ok' anonymous".

You know all of us gathered in our little community center drinking inferior coffee saying "My Name is Kellie and this is my fourth week of saying 'It's okay'.  Yesterday I had thoughts of hustling and bustling over something that was in reality 'ok'."

God has helped me with this by sending people along side me who were determined to have an "It's okay" intervention with me. Confronting me that desperately needing to meet some crazy standard whether internal or external is like seeking a high that is never gonna come.

I mean at least drug addicts get high. Refusing to accept what is yours to handle and what is not, never pans out. There is no pay off.

As I approach 40 I get the message loud and clear- life is too short.

I was talking to a teenager last week who said she was afraid to grow old.
I am afraid of what my life would look like if I never had.
I am pretty sure the teenaged me would have made the worst immortal in the history of ever.  ;)

Have we lost the meaning of it all?

I was wondering how to explain salvation to someone the other day.
I have memorized the verses in Romans that explain salvation but I started wondering how Jesus, Peter, and Paul explained it.
I have yet to find one time where they asked "Do you want to accept Jesus?".
That surprised me.
Every time they just presented the truth of God, Jesus and our sin then let the person decide for themselves. Apparently their presentation was so Holy Spirit filled people started asking them how to be saved from sin.

I have started to realized that once your culture becomes comfortable with words like "Accept Jesus into your heart", they start to lose all meaning.
Here's what occurred to me:

You need to know what you are choosing.
You are agreeing to give up what you currently have (all that you currently have)- the option to make wrong choices all the time, drive your life into the ground with your limited wisdom and to end up eternally separated from a God who loves you and would do literally anything to offer you more.
You are agreeing to give Him all that you are. EVERYTHING.
Nothing is off the table, He gets to have the final say in everything. Now, if you realize how much He loves you (as demonstrated in His choice to die a physical death for you and be separated from all His glory for you) then giving Him this is not a risky move.

The above are the parts are where you realize if you believe in him or not.
If you trust him or not. Whether you think sin is real and you have it in your life or you don't.  

It's an all or nothing deal. All of you just as you are or none of you.

If you can jump off the high dive on this the tell someone.

Tell your family, tell another person who believes this, tell someone who can encourage you and help you in what you have just decided.

Confessing that Jesus is Lord, your lord is a huge deal. If you know what Lord actually means. Don't let Church culture lull you into a false sense of a relationship with God.

False salvation is worse than none at all. It's like having cancer but believing you are cured.
I firmly believe it only takes 5 to 12 truly saved people to turn a town or area into a hot bed of the Gospel. So if that seems to be the case in the bible, why are our churches so quiet and our towns hot beds of the lost?

If you say you are a Christian and you have never talked with your family, children, grandchildren, coworkers or friends about the above things then you don't really have much in common with Jesus, Peter, Paul or any other leader of the New Testament.

My prayer is that God would change me from the inside out so that my mouth would speak of Him constantly. I also ask that He forgives me to neglecting Him and every soul around me.

The Job of Job

The book of Job is a hum-dinger. It would probably the book many atheist point out for their reason not to believe in God while at the same time most Christians may come to see it as one of the most comforting books in the Bible.

I have to admit that when I started reading this book a few months ago at a pretty stressful time in my life I did not have high hopes. In fact the mere circumstance that Job was just the next book in my order of reading depressed me.
I have found that even though I read the Bible straight through over and over, I always find myself reading just what I need for that moment in my life. So naturally I assumed I would be entering a Job style period in my life. I was indeed correct.

Now for those of you who may not be familiar with the book of Job. Job is a great guy. Loved by all, a leader in his community, great father and husband, prosperous and a steady man of faith. Unknown to him Satan taunts God that Job's faith is based on his blessings alone. Basically Satan says "Sure anyone would serve you for all that you have given Job". God, knowing Job, says "Not my Job, my relationship with him is much deeper". So in the course of things God gives Satan permission to take everything from Job.

Now on the surface this ignites a firestorm of indignation from just about any human being. Yet, are the things in life what makes us love and trust God? Are the things in life our god and must never in any way be meddled with? Are they our source of all meaning and faith? Are my children "the deal" I have with God?  My house? My health?

Job is horribly grieved when all is taken from him. All except his wife, who tells him very lovingly to curse God and die.
But his faith in God is never shaken. He is deeply disturbed but remains one who seeks after God. His friends accuse him of sin, rationalizing that all suffering comes directly from sin of the victim. (God later rebukes them for this)
Finally a young whipper snapper who has respectfully let all his elders speak addresses Job.
Elihu.
I can so so so relate to Elihu. He says he is disappointed in his elders that they don't really have much advice or wisdom to offer. He says he is literally about to pop because of the need to state his view of things. (so me)
Be here is where he out paces me, he states all the amazing truths about God. Job chapter 34-37. He asks Job what right have we to question God if we cannot even understand the most basic things that he accomplishes- human life, nature, the universe?

Who among us wants to be told we don't have the right to question something? Especially something that hurts us or is painful to others?
Again firestorm of indignation.
But once the firestorm blows itself out what is more comforting, knowing that an all powerful God who fully loves you has a bigger plan and purpose than your brain can understand or the aching scratching hollow of knowing you are it kiddo, your intelligence is the peak of it all in the universe and feeding your vast hunger is all there is to it?

I chose many years ago which it was for me.
Never regretted it since, not once.
Tomorrow I start to read the part where God himself speaks to Job. Why, if He does not owe Job an explanation does God speak with Job?
Because He is Job's true friend in a sense of the word that we humans will also never understand.
(by the way Job's blessings are doubled or tripled at the end of the journey but here's the kicker- THAT'S NOT THE POINT)

Lord please forgive me for the Audacity of my impatience.
I am so feeble minded that I forgot who I wait upon.
I would be a fool to forget I wait upon the one who formed the Earth and all that exists on it, the universe and all that exists in it and so much more beyond that.
It is good for me to be reminded of who you are.
By reminding me today you have also helped me remember your great love for me.

Matrimony and other endanger species

Please take a minute to watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECGZz5ScfL8

Chis August- Restore

Today my cousin was married.
Tomorrow I will celebrate my 17th wedding Anniversary.

I can say candlelight, roses, whispered words of love, romantic getaways, and all other gestures of love have a definite limit to their power.
I love them the way I love dark chocolate, in limited doses.

What I have found that I want unlimited doses of is a little more Christ in my spouse and I.

When I know I have really messed up, to see undeserved forgiveness in his eyes.
When I want to throw in the towel to hear him say "I will never give up on our love or our life together"

To repent together of stupid choices and feel that God is giving us a fresh start.

To encourage him to take a risk for his faith and see how much joy he gets from it.
To teach our children together about God.

To know he hears me when I am struggling because God gave him the ability to.

Sure I can whip out the fairy tale story- a happy marriage, children, financial security but the only the magical about it is how God can take two totally, completely average people and dwell in them.

It really breaks my heart that Iron man and Pepper never discussed marriage. Crazy, I know but to me marriage is the only way to really say "I love you".

You don't need to test out "I love you", it's a choice. You don't say "let me try to choose and see if I can". You just choose.
If you or someone you are with feels the need to try things out before marriage, what's really being said is "let me see if you can meet my needs".

Trust me, in the long haul this kind of thinking is the hole that sinks the ship. A human being cannot meet your needs, and neither should you ask them too.

Only God can do that.

Can a human being be a life long companion?
I'm banking on it.
Can a human being show you unconditional love?
We've been working at it for 17 years.

Will you suffer for your choice, yes, yes you will.
But if never suffering is your goal, go find a cryogenic freezer and get frozen in it.
Life involves some pain but I want mine to be toward a goal that is worth having.

As the old knight Templar in Indian Jones and the Holy Grail said "Choose wisely".

For me choosing to say "I love you" to someone who gave their heart fully to Christ made all the difference in the world.




The tree where almost 21 years ago, my sweetie gave me my first kiss. Thank you honey, for living up to your promises.

A Rose without Thorns

A rose without thorns.

(Hijacked your picture Shellie because it was so perfect)
Sometimes a few well thought out words can do the trick and other times you can never do justice to something with words.
Words just start to feel like prison bars that are keeping you from getting at the "real deal".

That's what it feels like trying to write a tribute for my grandma.

She was absolutely a rose without thorns.
To name the feelings I feel when I remember her is simply not possible. There aren't words for that sort of thing. I cannot even make up words for that sort of thing.

My cousins did a wonderful job of using words to get us all to the place of feeling those unnameable feelings.

Those feelings that a select group of human beings on earth are blessed enough to share.

You might think I am exaggerating, or just doing what every loving grandchild does when trying to describe the loss of a grandmother but you, my friend, would be wrong.

I am an observer of people. I trained in two universities to be an observer of people.
Birdie Richardson was as unique as they come.

She had bright eyes. At 93 she had bright eyes.
I dare you to live to 93, give birth to 14 babies, see three of them die, raise 11 on a tiny income, lose your husband of 50 years and live on more than 20 years after that and have the bright eyes of a young child.
99% of the population just does not have what it takes.

They weren't just bright, they had a twinkle.
She loved a good story with a hearty laugh at the end.
We all honed our skills at telling that kind of story to Grandma.
Her laugh was a reward that created three generations of skilled and dedicated story tellers and humorist.

She was the spoiling grandma. Some of my cousins may have had another spoiling grandma, but I only had one.
I will never forget the awe my sister and I felt when, staying the night one night with her, we asked for bacon at 8:00 pm and she got out the cast iron skillet and fried up bacon.
I mean she just smiled, got out the skillet and made it. Not one word about how stupid it was to ask for bacon at 8:00 at night or about how she would have to wash a skillet, not one word. She actually seemed happy to do it for us.

To our little child's hearts we just knew something special was happening.

Some people have a hard time making 5 or 6 people feel special. She made 33 grandchildren feel like they each were the most special grandchild ever born. Remembering each birthday, clipping each newspaper article, displaying every card and picture. Making yellow cake with drippy homemade fudge icing.

She loved with abandon. She would abandon pride, rest, free time, possessions, everything for those she loved. The group of people who could count on this kind of love was enormous. Not just 99 living descendants but every relative and friend she ever had. Strangers of foreign shores whom a missionary had stirred her heart for.

Complaints. There were none. Seriously, you may think I am kidding or exaggerating- you would be stone cold wrong.
I would stop on the dusty dirt road as she walked home from a visit and offer a ride only to be refused every time. "No, No I am fine, just walking home. You go on"
Can get something for you?
"I have all I need".

She lived in an old wooden house, wore the same clothes for decades, ate the simplest of foods (off the charts delicious but simple) and never sought a luxury, ever. Don't think for a second she was of simple intellect. She was Valedictorian of her High School at a time when many women never made it to 8th grade. She had a razor sharp mind and memory. She had 11 well educated children who would have bankrupted themselves to fill her life with all this world could have to offer her. She had the opportunity to be and have what the world tells us we all should want, yet did not seek it out.  

She turned everyday life, what some would call living in poverty into an art form.

I mean it was like watching DaVinci paint.

You know you were in the presence of a master.

She could make something out of nothing.
Porch sitting became all the counsel and encouragement your soul needed for the day, week or month.
Potato digging day- the fair, carnival and awards day all wrapped into one. Friends and family all around, laughing, comparing potatoes, hauling bushels.

One day she came by our house and I had been drawing with my sister who was much younger and we drew a village of people shaped like hearts. She saw it on the fridge and said "Oh, I love that picture. It's like what our Richardson hill is here. The land of Love."
You see.
Then all of a sudden that silly little picture had meaning and I felt proud to be who I was.
You see.
Something out of nothing.

I know God makes everyone. But oh, with her, with her He was speaking out loud.
She loved God fiercely.
It was what made her journey possible. She would have told you that.
It was her understanding of His unconditional love that made her flow of it so endless.

I have little diamonds, gold nuggets if you will, that I hold tight- days of going to church with her. Sitting with her in the car on the way to church, praising God and how He made the Earth.
Singing the old Hymns with her.
Watching her pray.

(Breath in, Breath out, you can do this Kellie)

No words, No words. If you knew her and can picture these memories, you know. The intensity of those pictures in my mind are overwhelming.

If I am 1/5 of the woman she was, well then, Mission accomplished.