Affirmation vs. Compliments

Affirmation vs. Compliments
Maybe you did not know there was a difference.
I didn't think about it until I started reading "Practicing Affirmation" by Sam Crabtree.

This book brought to light how useless being nice can be. 
What?
Yes.
It's nice to say - You are pretty, cute, snazzy, have nice hair or some other surface claim that has nothing to do with a person's character.
That might give the person a little rush for the moment, it will not get them thinking about deeper character issues. Compliments will not stick or they can become an addiction which needs the next hit. 

I was guilty of tossing out compliments everywhere.

God centered affirmations are ones that point out the traits of God in a person. 

God made us in His own image.
Genesis 1:27
That means even the most hardened soul still has some traits of God in them. 

Crabtree points out that by looking for these and pointing them out, you can:
a) lift up that person's spirit
b.) encourage more of that character trait in them
c.) open the door for the gospel
d.) change how you see people around you to a more loving and godly light
e.) be praising God all day long since He gets credit for all these affirmations

So it sounds good but how?
How do you finds traits of God in us everyday people?

Learn the traits of God and look for them.
For example God is:
Gentle, loving, merciful, a good father, a loving teacher, a deep thinker, the inventor of organization, diligent in His work, etc... 
The Bible is full of examples, which means being in the Bible daily gives you a better chance of spotting these things. 

Then when you see one of these traits you simply say something like:
"God really made you a loving teacher".

That's it, that simple. Not something to be afraid of or worried about just something to make a priority. 

The book has so much more to offer than I can discuss here and I highly recommend it. 

The Surprising truth

I am not proud of the fact that I am a pouter, but it's the truth. 
I save this little gem of behavior mainly for my closest loved ones, the people who deserve it the least. 
Why am I a pouter?
I grew up under the instruction of movies, tv, magazines and books that instilled in me the idea that people meet my needs. A man meets my need to feel beautiful and special. Friends meet my needs to feel connected and encouraged. The list goes on and on. 

Obviously this idea that people are going to meet my needs leads to endless disappointment because low and behold the people around me have no idea they have been signed up for this job. 

Over the past few months I have been in some eye opening bible studies that have reminded me only one person actually signed up for the job of meeting my needs: God. 

I have been working on not having the same argument, the same pout sessions but keeping my mouth closed and praying about the needs I feel. 
30 years of wrong behavior has not gone away in a few months. 
Yesterday I was busy pouting about how someone had not met my needs and I resolved to pray about it. As I prayed I realized that the need I really had was to feel special and important to someone. 

So I prayed "God do something to help me feel special and important". 
Even as I prayed it, it dawned on me that He already done enough. 
He created me and all creation, even when He knew all the trouble I would be. He carried His love and millions of people through centuries of struggle and shaky faith. He came down here to the world of struggle and loved us purely.  He gave up everything for us. He rose again and gave us power over our own weakness. He gave us His own spirit to become one with us. He gave us the promise of eternal wholeness. He has babied me every day of my life. 

And much to my awe and amazement as I thought of this list, I could physically feel the pout fall away. I could feel the need being met in those moments. 

Crazy but constant- The truth will set you free. 

I no longer felt the urgent need to show that person how they had fallen down on their job. I no longer felt like a victim. 

I felt and knew I was complete in Him.

I am also ashamed to say it did surprise me for a moment how wonderfully well this kind of thinking works. 
I mean intellectually, I know hundreds of scriptures proclaim it. 
It was shocking how well magazines, movies, books, TV, the Internet, had me so convinced it would not work. 

Elf on the shelf Jesus Style?!?

So the new thing circulating Facebook is to "Jesusify" your elf on the shelf. 

Sigh. 

I try I really do. I don't want to be the Christmas Curmudgeon. I am posting this rant on my blog so that those who choose, can avoid my particular type of crazy. 

I just would prefer that people openly and without shame embrace all their fabricated holiday fun.
By fabricated I mean not real but presented as real to small children as holiday "fun". 
Own it if that's what you choose, why feel that you have to slap the name of the Most High God on it?

Just wondering how you reconcile the "Do not lie" commands in the bible such as Colossians 3:9 :"Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices" with holiday lying to small trusting children about mythical creatures.

For me the unvarnished truth has so much wonder and delight that my children and I need nothing more. 
We have traditions of fun, surprise gifts, charitable work, discussing the historical figure of St. Nicholas, telling the Birth story and countdown or advent calendars. 

But at no time do I lead them to believe something that is fiction is nonfiction. 
I make it clear the difference between fun made up stories and what actually happened or is happening. Fiction can be fun, imagination can be joyful, but not mistaken for real. Why are so many young adults depressed and dissatisfied with life?
Maybe because it can never compare to the lies they hoped were real. 
"Wish or want for something hard enough and you will always get it" - yea, not in this universe. 

Why mix them? Why is it necessary? Has the world lead us to believe that we cannot have as much fun if we do not? Is fun the goal? 
If you ask my kids they say Christmas is their favorite time of the year without any deception. 

You can pose little dolls every night and tell the kids to find what character trait of Christ you trying to act out without ever implying that the doll is alive or magic is involved.

He rules your heart Christian, or He should. Not culture, not fantasy, not peer pressure, not your very very best intentions.

If you are faithful in the small things, He will give you authority in the large things. 

Want a snake?

So I haven't blogged in a while. Truthfully around this time every year I debate about just quitting it all together. I don't really have a gimmick. 
I occasionally have a photo to share but it's not a photo blog.
I have a funny story or two but I'm no comedian. 
I've been through a few things but no marathon of overcoming to tell of. 
But just when I am ready to throw in the towel God shows me a truth or expresses a point to me and I just cannot help myself, I want to type it up. 

It happened this week.
I was just sitting still for a moment and thinking about things. A scripture came to mind.

Matthew 7:9-11

New King James Version (NKJV)

9 Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

I know on the surface the ideas seems simple, almost simple minded. Well, sure doesn't a father give his kid a piece of bread and not a stone? A fish and not a snake.

Please, it's a concept about as deep as a teaspoon, right?

We can trust God, He gives us good stuff not bad, even more than the humans in our lives. 

But as I sat and thought the words kept going deeper in my mind. They became pointed, pricking my heart. 
If I ask God for something and He does not give it to me, based on this verse you have just dodged a snake.

Now, I confess my first reaction to getting denied something I surely thought was good is not "Whew, thank goodness my Dad wasn't healed" or "Wow, I am so glad I got mixed up and showed up an hour late to that interview". Both of which actually happened to me. 
I am thinking "How, how can this be a good answer to a sincere prayer?".

But I am able after a time to think, perhaps what would have eventually come from my prayer would have turned out to be a snake or a stone, no matter how unlikely that may seem.

For the record I think that God says no to prayers that are based on full faith, unhindered belief and from a heart totally in line with Him. No answers do not mean you have failed in some way to do it right. 
Sure you can be totally out of God's will and shoot off a crazy "wish" style prayer that is doomed from the start but that is not always the case. Jesus asked for the cup to pass and it did not. Period the end. 

Can you go there? Can you believe a God intense enough to stretch out into time and space and weave lives in multitudes of complexities? It's a wild walk. It asks you to see yourself in a new light. One that is not as flattering as we might want to be seen in. 
But I have a deep peace with not being the end of the line in thinking and logic. I know me, the deep down me and despite all the wonderful things God has created in me, I find a great peace in submitting to Him. In not feeling the unbearable burden of having to figure it all out but trusting He has. 

I truly wish and desire that you could walk this way with me. Side by side. 

9/20/13

I have been a bit busy. I got a part-time job (20 hours) at my son's middle school as a math Tutor.

I have spent the past two weeks wading through the procedure, software and the paperwork associated with the job but today I had a break through.

Today I think I really taught someone something.
I had two children who really seemed to have a break through in math.
Double digit multiplication and decimal place values.
It was more exciting than I expected.
I felt a rush all day.
I never really understood why people wanted to be teachers until today.

Also another small victory- my printer was networked to our computers.
No lie, this is a big deal, and it made me ridiculously happy.

Diverging now....
Why does a store bought Starbucks Frappe taste so much better than the one I have in my fridge?
I know it's not possible but I suspect my taste buds can detect expense and register it as deliciousness.
I know my eyes can detect expense and register it as good style.
Why else would I instantly gravitate to them most expensive things in a store before I force myself to the sale rack?

Happy Weekend.

The manifesto of a wife and mother

Along with getting married, having children is one of the most eye opening things I have ever done.
What has it opened my eyes to?
Me.
I thought I really knew "me" many moons ago.
I though I was a pretty calm rational gal.
I thought I had a realistic view of the world.

Wrong-o.

I have had to come to terms with things I cannot do but seriously though I could.
I can influence people- my little people and my hubby among many others.
I cannot change a person - not one single one.

I can love people but I cannot do it alone. I need the well of Christ flowing out of me because without Him my well is actually a dust pit. A dusty pit full of my own vast needs only Christ can meet.

I cannot learn things for my kids.
This is one of the hardest ones.
I want to learn optimism for them, I want to learn hard work and self-value that comes from Christ for them.
I cannot.
I cannot download, upgrade, memory add or USB any of this to my kids.

I can influence what they experience but they have to get character and meaning for themselves.
I did not realize how hard a time I would have with, what seems to be a pretty obvious truth.

I will not lie my pre-kid fantasy was that little clones of myself and my husband would emerge into this world full of all the good character traits it took us 20 or more years to learn.
Yes, I think deep down I was that delusional.

What I have learned is that I have a secret weapon, PRAYER.
Prayer for myself that I will let God and not my insecurities guide my parenting.
Prayer that God will work in their little hearts just like He did in mine to guide them to Him.
I will not be lazy in my part of the parenting or being a wife but I will lay my heart bare before God so that He can continue to point out what I need to realize about myself and others in light of Him.

The five hardest letters in the English Language

One of my multiple weird hang ups is my inability to not answer the phone when I am in the shower or tub.
It has taken me years to over come this foolishness.

I would bring the phone and sit it on the side of the tub.

I would fling open the shower door, slopping water everywhere while risking life and limb in a sliding dash for the phone.

Now usually these vital calls were from dear "Rachel at card member services" whom, if destiny complies, I will have a cage match with some day.

This year I learned to say the five hardest letters in the English language: It's OK.

It's ok if I take a deep breath and enjoy my bath as the phone rings.
It's ok if I don't even bring the phone in the bathroom.
I will in fact have time to check the caller ID when I am finished.

Why does it feel like I have spent half of my life giving myself permission to live?

It's ok if people don't understand why I do what I do.
As long as I understand- It's ok.

We are social beings we are meant to relate to other people and to do that we have to care or take note of what they are expressing. I get it.

Some of us are so invested in this that we eventually have to join "I cannot say 'it's ok' anonymous".

You know all of us gathered in our little community center drinking inferior coffee saying "My Name is Kellie and this is my fourth week of saying 'It's okay'.  Yesterday I had thoughts of hustling and bustling over something that was in reality 'ok'."

God has helped me with this by sending people along side me who were determined to have an "It's okay" intervention with me. Confronting me that desperately needing to meet some crazy standard whether internal or external is like seeking a high that is never gonna come.

I mean at least drug addicts get high. Refusing to accept what is yours to handle and what is not, never pans out. There is no pay off.

As I approach 40 I get the message loud and clear- life is too short.

I was talking to a teenager last week who said she was afraid to grow old.
I am afraid of what my life would look like if I never had.
I am pretty sure the teenaged me would have made the worst immortal in the history of ever.  ;)